Five Minutes To Kill Yourself (Update: Link Fixed)

Note: Suicide is not funny.  Hyperbolic expressions of boredom that lead to lighthearted fantasies of suicide sometimes can be.

The Premise:  There are few people in this world that don’t have the right to say, “Work sucks.”  Those lucky folks can just go ahead and move along.  For everyone else, stay tuned.

If you’ve ever read a Dilbert cartoon and been able to relate, if you consider the move Officespace a manifesto for your professional life, if you’ve ever felt like the only thing missing from your workspace was a giant water bottle with a gravity valve and a nice layer of newspaper on the bottom, this is the game for you.

You, my dear little slaves to the cubicle, you, my fellow under appreciated grunts, will instantly know the pain exhibited by our little hero here.

You, too, know that breaking point: “If I get one more goddamn meeting I’m going to kill myself.”

And then it happens, you get another meeting.

Only, in the real world you sigh, you go to the meeting, you get off work, and you drink yourself into an oblivion.  In this game, you follow through with your threat.

How it’s done:  The controls for FMTKY are as simple as they get.  You use the arrow keys to guide your fed up little office drone over an isometric board, and you use the space bar to interact with various items.

Items that can be interacted with are easy to find as they typically have green arrows pointing to them.  Most items you come across in the game can be used to do damage to yourself; once you’ve done one hundred percent damage, the game is over, and you win.

If you’re still alive after five minutes is up, a fate worse then death awaits you.

There are other ways to hurt yourself available to you.  Talk to your coworkers.  From what I understand, you can convince every coworker you can speak to to hurt you, but some conversations are trickier than others.  These conversations are done using multiple choice, selecting your response with the space bar.

Also, there are combination items laid throughout the office as well.  You can pick one item up, and then your task is to figure out where to use it.  These often produce significantly more damage than those simple office items laying about, are usually more creative, and are therefore well worth your time.

Finally, don’t forget that you can use the elevator and go through some doors, so the cubicle habitat is not the ONLY path available to you.

ANALYSIS: Five Minutes To Kill Yourself is exactly the kind of offensive game you would expect from Adult Swim, home of Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon.  Indeed, it’s the naughtiness that really makes this game so appealing.  Suicide is not a hilarious subject, but who hasn’t had a day so bad at work where you haven’t jokingly thought, “Just shoot me?”

As such, it is the deeply dark humor that truly drives this game.  It’s greatest strength is the creativity that has gone into the many different ways to do yourself damage, from wearing a pinata and letting officeworkers beat the living hell out of you, to the very divine hand of God coming down to smite thee… complete with “bling”.

The graphics are simply, cartoony, and used to near perfection.  I think it’s the button down style juxtaposed with the massive violence and blood that truly gives the game that extra bit of zing.  Adding to the overall effect is a musical score that sounds more like you’re covered in camouflage in the middle of the hottest of hot zones.

Now that I think about it, what makes the dark humor work is the foundation of ironic humor that it rests upon.

On the other hand, the game does come with its downsides, the most predominant of which being the controls.  They’re simply too mushy for my liking.  Your movements are blocking and unresponsive, and, as is the case with many isometrically aligned games, it’s often difficult to pinpoint your character’s location with the target you are trying to interact with.

That being said, as the name implies, the longest any one game can go is exactly five minutes, making this an almost perfect casual experience.  Coffee break time comes along, you kill yourself for five minutes, then you go right back to work.

You should come to appreciate FMTKY for its deeply cathartic experience.  Barring that, it should be worth at least a few solid laughs.


5 Responses to Five Minutes To Kill Yourself (Update: Link Fixed)

  1. ginzig says:

    I just can’t seem to get the job done. I get so damn close! Five minutes is just not enough time!! I will do it! I’m determined now! Damn game makes me want to poke my eyes out with a fork.

  2. Heh.

    Yeah, it takes a few tries to get it done. I suggest looking for a few of the high percentage damagers first and foremost and getting a good feel for them and then making a serious run.

    Some real good ones to look out for:

    -There’s a guy walking around with glasses who will spit some bible babble out at you when you talk to him. Simply be as rude as you can be and you’ll get “faith’ed”

    -On the 2nd floor, you’ll see a giant tank, and you’ll see a fish mounted on the wall. Grab the fish on the wall, and make your way over to the tank.

    -Back on the cubicle floor, you should see a trophy lying about. Now, what happens when you put metallic items in a microwave?

    -Also, you’ll see a, um, large, masculine looking woman there. Hit on her, what could go wrong?

    -Finally, you should see a lit lighter, grab it. You should also be able to find a miniature flame thrower…

    Find these high damage things and more, and once you get comfortable with their locations and how to use them, you can start plotting out courses and use the low damage stuff that’s on the way (for instance, there’s the man-woman and the microwave in the same area as a bunch of staplers and scissors if memory serves, so just cleaning out the kitchen area should get you about half way there or so).

  3. Ginzig says:

    2nd floor? I didn’t know I could get onto the second floor!!! No wonder why I suck. Do I use the elevator?

    Thanks for all the tips.

    I sent you an email. I hope you find time to read it.

  4. I read the email, will reply when I get home tonight.

    Yeah, there be a second floor, and you do get to it through the elevator. Pay attention to the arrow, as it will decide whether you go to the second floor or the basement. There are plenty of goodies with which to do yourself harm at both.

    Also, you can go into the copy room, and the men’s bathroom as well. Both also have some good ways to hurt yourself, though, if you have a clown phobia, I suggest avoiding the bathroom stall.

  5. Ginzig says:

    omg…. I’ve always wondered what the men’s bathroom looked like…. haha, just kidding. I have a weird sense of humor tonight. I think it’s from the migraine I had all day. I’ll try it again when I’m feeling better.

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